


Chrisanukkah New al-FitRekk

by NervousAsexual



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Bones is Space Dad, Christmas, Feminism, Friendship, Hanukkah, Hanukkah is celebrated, Holidays, McSpirk Holiday Fest, That's right, i brought my sjw agenda to your star trek fandom, spock has feels, what of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-06 20:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8768314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: Kirk tries to throw a big multicultural holiday bash but learns an important lesson about teamwork and microaggressions. Spock celebrates Hanukkah. Bones wears a Santa hat and hands out presents.Part of the McSpirk Holiday Fest.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [waywardconsultingtimelady](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=waywardconsultingtimelady).



> The prompt:  
> My mom's friends celebrate both Christmas and New Years Eve on New Year's Eve. Anyway everyone brings presents and the presents are put into a bag. Someone wears a Santa hat and holds the bag. Someone else spins a bottle, who the bottle lands on gets to take a present out of the bag. Also they can trade presents with someone else. The trio hosting the above 'spin the bottle to pick a present' thing for the crew. The New Years part doesn't have to be included, if it is that's nice but I'm more concerned about the present part. Extra points if it's Kirk's idea and Bones grumbles about wearing the hat. I'm fine with TOS or AOS or a crossover of the two.

The mood in Jim Kirk's quarters was not as enthusiastic as he had hoped.

"Terrible idea," said Bones. "Just terrible. Your worst yet."

"At the risk of hyperbole, I am inclined to agree with Dr. McCoy, captain."

Kirk was dismayed. Displeased! But also disinterested in objections. "Nonsense. If the crew can't be home for the holidays, then I see no reason we shouldn't bring the holidays to them."

 "It would go against Starfleet regulations, for one thing. We're military men, Jim, not chaplains."

"The doctor is correct. As representatives of the Federation we must avoid setting one religious and holiday tradition ahead of another. To do otherwise would be..." Spock paused to consider his words.

"Illogical?" suggested Kirk.

"...unseemly," Spock said, with a glance at Bones.

"Then we won't set any one tradition ahead of another. It will be a massive melting pot of holidays and traditions. We'll let each crewman prepare something, some tradition or food dish or something, to represent each of their cultures. It'll be like Christmas and New Years and Hanukkah and Eid al-Fitr and... Spock, what holidays do Vulcans celebrate?"

"We have no holidays in the way that humans do. Though we do celebrate Kal Rekk, a day of atonement..."

"Perfect! We'll call it... Chrisanukkah New al-FitRekk."

Bones slumped back in his seat like a grumpy lump. "Might as well call it a waste of time."

"You are behaving very irrationally, Captain.  If the crew expected this to be done, surely they would have come forward."

"And another thing!" Bones bounced forward again. "What if the crewmen don't want to prepare something? They won't do a damn thing without an order, and you are not going to order them to celebrate this asinine pseudo-holiday."

"You think so?" Kirk leaped to his feet, hopped over his chair, and ran to the telecom.

"You wouldn't dare!" cried Bones.

"Wouldn't I?"

"I fear he would," said Spock, and sure enough Kirk opened the telecom's connection.

 "Friends, Romans, and crewmen," Kirk said to the telecom, grinning to Bones and Spock. "I have an announcement to make."


	2. Chapter 2

Uhura and Yeoman Rand bumped into each other at the replicator before first watch. It was not a metaphorical bump.

"Sorry," Uhura said, helping Rand back to her feet. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

Rand looked around. "Same here. I thought I walked into the medbay."

But they were surrounded by many tables and chairs, and the bodies in those chairs were clinging as if to life itself to cups of coffee and Andorran energizing tea. At least, every one was except Chekov, but he seemed to be nursing a vodka bottle filled with chocolate milk. They were very obviously not in the medbay.

"It doesn't matter anyway. I was going to see Chapel, but I don't think she's left her quarters yet. She probably fell asleep again."

Uhura yawned a yawn that made her jaw crack. "Chrisanukkah New al-FitRekk?"

On any other Starfleet vessel a yeoman would have assumed Uhura was either speaking a different language or yawning aggressively, but on the Enterprise Yeoman Rand only frowned.

"What else?" she asked. "Kirk... er... the captain assigned me to put together some kind of activity to tie New Year's with this train wreck. I've been researching old Earth New Year's traditions and I don't even know where to start. Some people celebrated the new year in the spring, some in the winter, and everybody had a hundred different traditions to go with every different iteration. And Chapel's got it worse. She's supposed to find something for us to do that's related to the old Jehovah's Witness method of celebrating Christmas."

Uhura frowned as well. "I can't say I remember ever hearing of these Jehovah Witnesses. How _do_ they celebrate Christmas?"

"They don't!"

Uhura groaned. "You don't have to tell me this whole thing is a disaster. I'm supposed to be making some kind of Kwanzaa theme for the party."

"That's... nice?"

Uhura leaned in and whispered, "I've never celebrated Kwanzaa."

"Ohhhh..."

"Kwanzaa was a diaspora holiday. I'm from the United States of Africa. That's about as far from diaspora as you can get. That he would assume I would know anything about it is a little... racist, when you think about it."

Rand considered. "It is, isn't it?"

Sulu appeared beside them, desperately mashing at the buttons of the replicator until it unceremoniously spit out a cup of tea. "Are you talking about Chris... uh... Chrisanukkah New al-FitRekk?"

"Gesundheit," said Uhura.

"I'm supposed to be bringing plants to represent all the different planets we represent."

"That ought to be every plant in your entire collection."

Sulu drowned a disappointed chuckle with tea. "Hardly. I don't have any plants from Earth. If I wanted Earth planets, I would have stayed... you know... on Earth."

At the sound of his voice Chekov lurched up from his table, staggered over and flung himself across Sulu's shoulder. He said something that probably would have disparaged Chrisanukkah New al-FitRekk if he had said it in English instead of worried, sleep-deprived Russian.

"Chekov's right," Uhura said. "We should tell the captain. It isn't right that he's forcing this on us."

"But he is awfully excited about this," Rand said hesitantly. "I would hate to hurt his feelings. He really thinks this is a good idea."

They all looked to Uhura for guidance.

"What?" she asked.

"Maybe if we start small," suggested Sulu. "We could tell McCoy. He hates parties. Maybe he could convince the captain to... scale it back a little."

Rand had to admit this was better than her idea of sealing herself in an escape vessel until the holiday season had ended. So off they traipsed to the medbay, Sulu leading the way with Chekov riding piggyback.

But it wasn't Bones who greeted them at the door of the medbay.

"A small party to see you, Dr. McCoy," Spock said, when the doors opened and they tumbled in.

Bones was curled up on an examination table with a drink in his hand that looked vaguely alcoholic. He groaned. "I want no part of any parties."

"We've come about the party, sir," said Uhura. "We've been discussing it, and..."

"We think is terrible idea," said Chekov from his perch on Sulu's back, and he took another swig of chocolate milk.

Bones looked at Spock, and Spock considered the ceiling.

"What do you mean?" he grumbled. "Isn't this supposed to be the shindig to end all shindigs? Christmas-Ramadan-Hanukkah something or other?"

They all began to talk at once. It was with some great effort that they managed to make all their concerns known.

When he was sure he'd gleaned all there was to glean, Bones held up a hand. "You're all right. Don't get a swelled head about it, but we agree with you. There's entirely too much stuff in too little time. It won't be much of a party even if he comes up with some efficient way to put it all together. Right, you green-blooded computer?"

Spock was still staring at the ceiling.

"Enterprise to Mr. Spock. This is your doctor speaking."

"I have been giving thought to Lt. Uhura's concerns," Spock said softly. "My own are very similar."

They waited.

"When the captain asked me for the name of a Vulcan holiday, he assumed that it could be synthesized with the other, more human holidays. But Kal Rekk is a day for solitude and reflection. I do not see how it could be integrated with this... this..."

Except for a hiccup from Chekov, the medbay was silent.

"I do not believe the captain did the most preliminary research into what Kal Rekk requires."

Bones slammed down this drink.

"That chafes it," he said. "We're going to Kirk."

The others looked at him in disbelief.

"You don't think he'll be upset?" asked Rand.

"He's already upset the Vulcan. We are all going to march right up to him and you are all of you going to tell him what you told me, and we are going to figure this out."

"I fear I have misled you, doctor, if you believed I was upset."

"Be quiet, Spock."

And Spock was quiet.


	3. Chapter 3

On this, the day of the shindig to end all shindigs, a sizeable portion of the crew had sent party invites to the captain's PADD, and Uhura had made two ship-wide announcements, but Kirk was nowhere to be seen. Ordinarily Bones would have empathized, but if he was being forced to go to this hell-party, then for damn sure Kirk was as well.

"I've tried contacting his quarters directly," Uhura reported when he came to check up on the bridge. "He doesn't respond."

"Can you hail him for me?"

"If you'd like. Just speak into the..."

But Bones had already grabbed the microphone.

"Jim," he shouted, and Uhura flinched.

"Jim," he said again, more quietly this time. "This party was your idea and if you don't come down here and join us I swear you will eat nothing but salad for the next five years."

Uhura listened for a moment. "He says he'll meet you outside mess."

"Good." Bones tried to replace the microphone but it seemed to have been pulled out of the console. He threaded it back into its hole and awkwardly nodded. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Aye, sir," Uhura said, gathering up her belongings. "Would you tell the captain... we don't hold it against him? He's more than welcome."

"I'll do that. Thank you."

 

But Kirk did not want to hear it.

"They're right," he wailed, clinging as best he could to the walls. Even throwing his entire body against him Bones could not move him an inch. "I can't believe I was so stupid. Why would Uhura know anything about Kwanzaa? Just because she's African. And Chapel... I should have given it more thought before I told her to..."

"Yes," Bones huffed, trying to pry him from the wall. "You should have thought more. But you already apologized, and they want you at the party."

"Not after all that."

There was no budging him. Bones stamped his foot. "Look, are you upset because you hurt them, or because you're embarrassed?"

Kirk said nothing.

"You apologized. The crew forgave you. As long as you learned from your mistakes, I doubt they want to keep reliving this any more than you do."

Again, Kirk remained silent.

"Remember when that ensign from engineering told you they were they, not he? If you accidentally called them 'he' you apologized and you moved on. Right?"

"Right," Kirk mumbled.

"Right. So get in there, and move on."

 

Bones wasn't bitter. Okay, maybe a little bitter. That was why when he and Kirk walked into the Great Room, crowded with the two hundred and some crew members not off on holiday leave, he announced, "Friends and Romans and crewmembers, I give you your captain."

They applauded and he had a few full moments of smugness as Kirk blushed bright pink before it all backfired.

"You're just in time," Sulu said. "We are about to exchange gifts."

"Gifts?" Kirk froze up beside him. "I didn't bring any gifts."

"Is nothing big, keptin," said Chekov. He was perched this time on Sulu's shoulders. "Sock stuffers."

"Stocking stuffers," corrected Rand.

"It's a game Chapel's family used to play." Uhura and Chapel were cuddled in a comfy chair off to one side.

"It's like spin the bottle," Chapel said. "You put all the presents in a big bag and then somebody spins a bottle, and whoever the bottle lands on gets to pick a present from a bag instead of kissing them. I mean, unless you want to," she added as Uhura gave her a smooch on the cheek.

"Will you do the honor of holding the bag, Captain?" Sulu asked. He held out a huge red cloth sack in one hand, and in the other was a familiar looking red and white stocking cap. "We even brought a hat for the designated Santa."

"I don't know," Kirk stammered. "I don't..." Bones could almost see the gears working in his mind, smell the smoke, but suddenly Kirk turned and grinned at him.

"I have a better idea," he said. "Why shouldn't we reserve the honor for the man who keeps bringing us all together?"

Who were they talking about? Harb, the entertainment director, maybe? But then he looked around and they were all grinning at him again.

"Who, me? Oh, no. I want no part of this."

It was as if they had all gathered to practice their sad puppy eyes.

"I don't even like Christmas that much."

"Good," said Chapel. "We never did this on Christmas anyway. It was our holiday party. Christmas and New Year's and a couple of times Hannukah."

Betrayal! he thought, but as Sulu put the bag into his hand and Chekov drained his chocolate milk-vodka bottle and put it into the other, he caught himself smiling just a little. Better to crush that down before they got too big for their britches.

"Well," he said, "merry Chris-hannukkah... uh..."

He felt Kirk pull the Santa hat down over his ears. "Happy holidays, Bones."

 

He thought it would never end. How many crewmembers were still in this damn space-going tub? His entire head felt like it would pop from the pure unfiltered celebrating in the air. He had to shudder... and to smile.

Chekov, still up on Sulu's shoulders, wore both the reindeer horns and elf ears the two of them had each drawn from the bag. Rand and M'benga had switched his new scarf for her painted pine cone (Sulu must have managed to pick up earth plants somewhere). Everybody had taken their gift, and his bag still held a few leftover gifts. Looked like he still had two pairs of mittens, a stuffed dragon the size of his arm, and... He closed the back quickly. That had better not be a tribble in there. If he could just find somewhere to hide the damn bag...

But, it occurred to him, not everybody had yet gotten their present.

Well, the joke was on those two if they thought they were getting out of this, he thought, hefting the bag over his shoulder and hauling himself to the farthest corners in search of Spock and Kirk.

He found them tucked in one of the recreation rooms.

"Are you decent?" he asked them, practically kicking down the door.

Spock gave him a look of what he'd come to realize was mild befuddlement. "Always, doctor."

Kirk just smiled, and it was then that he saw the menorah set on the floor between them.

"Oh," he said. The bag thumped to the floor. "Oh. Sorry about that."

"Don't be," said Kirk. "We were wondering when you were going to show up."

"Beg pardon?"

"We would be honored if you would join us," Spock said.

The green-blooded hobgoblin would be... honored.

"We didn't want to light it without you."

"I'm... I'm honored too," he said.

They each scooted apart to make room and when he squeezed in between them his insides felt strangely warm and fuzzy. He cleared his throat but it didn't go away.

"Chag Urim Sameach, doctor," Spock said softly, and Kirk squeezed his arm.

And Bones? Maybe, he thought, this was even a better idea than he thought.


End file.
